THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING

My mom got pregnant at 15. My dad that I have never seen was 17. As a teenager my mom was kicked out of her parent’s home, forced to live on her own. My dad left her, and wanted nothing to do with us. She is living with a shattered heart. No love from anyone. My mom was on welfare and the gov’t paid for our living, food stamps and what not. My mom had to quit school, and drop out for me. She wanted to put me up for adoption, and she wanted to have an abortion. But she couldn’t grow the balls to do so. 

When i was 2, my mom was 17. She found my step dad. He was 20. They got married after 1 year of dating. He was the only father i knew. He provided for us, and was our everything. That’s when he decides to join the military at 21.  Everything was great at first until he left.

My mom started drinking, and doing a lot of partying leaving me with baby sitter after baby sitter, she wasn’t really around much. I was basically neglected. I became a really shy, and didn’t know how to express feelings with others. When i was in kindergarten, we had journals. We had to write every single day. I loved it. I would write about my dad, my mom, and my baby sitters. I remember writing about my mom coming home late at night, saying funny things that i didn’t understand (she was drunk). and i remember her cuddling with me, telling me no one will ever leave me or take me away. My writings in my journal at school became really odd, and not as happy as they would be. I was sent to the guidance consoler at school, i was to shy to speak to him. So they called a parent teacher meeting, we never showed.

My mom’s drinking became worse and worse. When i was nine i started to notice it wasn’t normal. My mom would always make me go to church every Sunday morning. My parents would always fight when my dad was home. All i can remember is that my dad, was plotting on leaving my mom, but he didn’t. 

(this may be disturbing) My mom had some douche bags at our house one time. Getting drunk and partying like crazy. My mom was completely wasted, she was knocked out. I was in my room at 10 years old i was raped. He came into my room, told me he was going to put me to sleep, to get into my pj’s. So i did, when i had just my underwear on, he picked me up, and put me on the bed. He said you don’t have to put your pj’s on. I’ll sit in my underwear too. He took off his pants. And then took off my panties. I kicked and screamed he smothered my cries. No one heard, i couldn’t do anything he was stronger than me, bigger than me, and i was useless. He raped me.  He told me not to ever tell anyone, or he will do it again and again, until i learned my lesson. The next morning i tried to tell my mom, what happened. She didn’t believe me.

When i turned 12 i wanted to be loved by someone. I’d have boyfriend after boyfriend. They all hurt me, again and again. I couldn’t stand the pain, i was going through. That’s when i began to cut myself. It started with scissors and then knifes and my razors. Made me feel alive, all my troubles melted. I suddenly felt better. No one could tell me different, i found something that understood me. I always wrote about it, it became everything i thought about, i dreamed about it, it meant a lot to me.

I continued to find someone who will love me for me. I began to hate what i have became. I hated my body, and my scars. My mom began to hit me. She told me every time i cut myself she would “spank” me. The spanking became violent, and only when she was drunk. My mom’s drinking made me hate her. She would burn me with cigs, irons, any thing. My mom would just hit me for the hell of it, when she was drunk. My dad was blinded he didn’t know anything. Whenever he was home, we would pretend to be a happy family for him. I’d hide me bruises and scars. My mom would hide her alcohol.

I was majorly heartbroken by every guy. I’d have anxiety attacks just thinking of my rape. So i didn’t ever think about, i told myself that it was just a dream. I believed it. I just wish i could block it from my memory completely. Still to this day, my mom doesn’t believe me. I’m scared to tell my dad. 

My dad knows the horrible things my mom does to me, but he can’t exactly help me. He didnt know how bad it really was tho. I didn’t want him to know. My dad knows i cut.

NEW PART, AN ADD ON.! 

I’ve tried to commit suicide several times. Have not succeed. and I’m thankful. My last attempt was serious. If i would not of posted it on tumblr, i wouldn’t of been here. Tumblr saved my life. I was strung out on these pills, and my followers demanded for me to call 911. So I did. Doctors said I would of been dead if i waited 5 more minutes. Cops found out about my mo abusing me.. and arrested her. She will be out soon tho.  In the mean time i was sent to live in a group home for a couple of weeks, and when i was posed to go home… I wasn’t able to.